The Importance of Setting Healthy Boundaries🧡

Boundaries.

Everyone has them, whether they are set intentionally or simply out of instinct...we all have them. For example, the way someone speaks to you. You can probably think of a tone of voice, the volume of speech, or maybe even a phrase or two that immediately sets you on the defense or triggers another emotion inside of you. Or maybe it is a situation that can cause you to feel that "fight or flight" instinct kick into gear. Regardless of what it may be for you, recognizing your boundaries is incredibly important not only for your self esteem and emotional health, but also so that when these "triggers" arise you are prepared to handle them in a calm, yet firm way that will allow your boundary to be clear to others; and hopefully without creating any confrontation. 

Sounds great, right? But, what happens if you are a chronic people pleaser, and have never truly learned how to set your boundaries or express them to others? 

First, it's best to know the types of boundaries! And while there are many, there are a few broad categories that most situations can fall into. 

The categories are:

• Physical - Example: Teaching children it's ok not to automatically hug everyone, including family, unless they choose to. 
• Sexual - Includes choice of activity, timing, and partners
• Intellectual/Mental - Personal ideas, beliefs, and thoughts
• Emotional - Includes feelings & personal details
• Material/Financial - Includes financial resources & belongings
• Time - How you spend/use your time...includes jobs, relationships, children, & other responsibilities

Second, it is important to remember that even though setting boundaries can be uncomfortable at times they will truly help set you up for feeling your best! Think about the situations where you may feel taken advantage of...belittled...resentful....or down right "icky" about a situation. Chances are those feelings are arising due to a boundary being crossed! Once you recognize where those feelings arise, you will be able to establish which areas in your life may need a boundary. 

Next, if you are someone who has a hard time with advocating for yourself the good news is this is something that can be practiced! 

For example:

• "I feel ____ when _____ is said to me."
• "When this happens, I feel ____"
• " I would prefer to discuss this when we are both calmer."
• "I don't like the way I'm being spoken to right now."
• "I would if I could, but I am unable to help with that right now."
• "I would love to, but my plate is really full right now."

It is incredibly important to avoid "you" statements when setting your boundary. Not only is it not about the person you are speaking to in the first place, but "you" statements can seem accusatory, or aggressive. After all, the person you are speaking to may not easily accept your boundary, or worse take it as a personal offense and could create a confrontation out of their own upset feelings. 

Once you have recognized where you can place some boundaries in your life then it's simply a matter of putting it all into place. Granted, this is easier said than done. And it may create some momentary tension depending on how the people in your life react to your "new" boundaries. But, overall just remember...boundaries are healthy! They are a crucial part of your self esteem, and mental health. Boundaries can also help you avoid burnout, have less resentment, and more balance in your life! And really who doesn't want that?! 

Also, an excellent thing to remember when setting boundaries, as well as accepting someone else's, is that they are not personal. Someone setting a boundary with you does not mean that the like/love you less, that they think you are a bad person, or that they don't want to be around you (...when referring to family members, friends, and romantic partnerships. The guy cat-calling on the street corner is another story! That guy we like a little less...) In many cases, it is the exact opposite! If someone is putting in the effort to create a healthy boundary with you, accept it with grace, and take it as a compliment. Chances are they want to be around you and have a healthy relationship, but they also need to feel respected and heard. 

Best,
Dr. Gretchen, PT